"It Feels Like I'm Married to a Child": Ways to Spot an Immature Husband & What You Can Do About It

There's a big difference between a man who is a grown-up but can also be childlike in appropriate situations, and a man who is generally childish but who sometimes does grown-up things when forced.

A man who can play with his kids and have fun on vacation is much different than one who requires attention and intervention like a child. If you feel that you are the only grown-up in the marriage or relationship, following is a list of indicators and clues that you might be.

Signs of a Childish Man

Does he demonstrate emotional, mental, and social maturity?

Does he have trouble expressing or communicating his thoughts and emotions?

Does talking to him feel like you’re talking to a child or teenager?

Is he irresponsible or unrespondent to your needs and of those around him?

Do you ask him repeatedly to do simple tasks?

Do you cover up or go behind him to clean up his messes with people, finances, work, his children, etc.?

Does he "act out" or throw a temper tantrum when you can’t meet his needs or are unable to give him all of your attention?

Is he irresponsible with money or unable to save and plan for the future?

Does he neglect doing basic household chores with you?

Does he have the ability to engage in meaningful conversations about your relationship or personal differences without attacking your character or putting you down in some way?

Does he apologize?

Does he consider you when making decisions?

Does he bully others rather than connect/treat them with respect?

Does he bully you or your children rather than clearly communicate and connect with you?

Does he get frustrated easily and lash out?

Is he overly dependent on you for his quality of life and happiness?

Have you often had the thought that it feels like he is one of your children?

Does he have a history of mature relationships with family members or romantic partners?

Does he pout when he doesn’t get his way?

Does he have emotionally mature friends who have healthy families?

Does he have unproductive hobbies that act as "escapism" from normal, productive life?

Does he listen to you?

One thing is certain—he won’t mature unless you back off and he decides to do his own work. You can’t and shouldn’t try to do it for him. Your kids will hopefully grow-up one day, but he never will if you continue to enable and compensate for his behavior.

Things You Can Do

Stop babying him. Chances are, you had the responsibility of taking care of others (siblings, parents) when you were a child, or you watched this pattern play out in your own parents' marriage. In any event, the only way to stop the pattern is to change the dance. Your husband needs to grow up. Will the process be painful? Yes. But it will also be just as painful, if not more, to let it continue.

Let him experience the consequences of his actions. If your husband or partner was always protected as a child from experiencing the negative consequences of his behaviors, it would be a disservice for you to continue this pattern in his story. We all need to feel the pain of our mistakes. It's how we grow into responsible adults. This is sometimes a difficult thing to accept, but you are not helping him by always protecting him.

Set boundaries. You can't force him to do anything, but you can set clear boundaries as to what you will and won't do anymore. You can choose to love, support, and cheer him on, but you can also decide and state clearly where your responsibilities end and his begin. For example, you will not make excuses or explanations for his behavior to other people, apologize to his children on his behalf, pick up after him, call his mom for him, stay in the same room while he throws a fit or calls you names, etc. You get to decide the role you play from this moment forward.

Get support. It is always a good idea to have a support system in place when you begin to make changes. Professional help, a few trusted family members or friends, and spiritual leaders if they are safe and understand healthy interpersonal dynamics, can help both of you through the discomfort of change. It might also be possible that he won't do his work, in which case you will need people around you who will support and help you navigate what this means for you and your family. This pattern didn't start with you, and it can't be changed with only you.

Restore Family, LLC helps women and families in crisis work through issues and re-establish connection so that relationships are restored. Visit restorefamilyculpeper.com to schedule an in-person or virtual appointment today.